PARADISE: exists only if cultivated within.

So during my time travelling I embodied something important. Embodying something, for me, is understanding something at a much deeper level than learning or knowing something in our mind, this is why I now fully choose the work I do.

It seemed obvious, and I'd certainly heard it many times in the self development books and spiritual courses I had done; it is along the lines of this - paradise is not an external place, not a destination, paradise is something that can only exist inside of us, it is something that must be cultivated.

How many times have you told yourself that an experience, or a place, or a meeting with a person would feel like paradise only to find out that it couldn't be further from the truth. This also shows up as telling ourselves that once we 'get there', once we have 'that house' or 'the new job' (the list is endless), that then, and only then we will finally be happy. It also shows up as blaming everything on our external 'if only they were different', 'if only they hadn't said/done this'...

And of course, what happens when we 'get there'...

Yeah sure, for a few weeks or months it may feel great, we feel it as that 'paradise' we told ourselves it would be...only to find out some time later it can quickly become something akin to hell.

My paradise, funnily enough, even had the word 'paradise' in its name. 'This', I thought 'will be the place I can rest, and the place where some of this anxiety that I have been carrying around in my back pack will go away'. You see, at this point - that's where I thought it was, I thought the discomfort and unpleasantness was just something external I was carrying around in my backpack because I just couldn't find the 'right' place. Of course, given the work I do, on a deeper level I knew this wasn't so, but we all like to live a fantasy and put things outside of ourselves sometimes right. So I told myself ...'once I get to paradise I will feel better'.

And do you think it was all okay...

So, don't get me wrong paradise, for a few days, was paradise; crystal clear ocean, beautiful bright white beaches, sunshine from dawn til dusk, away from tourists, amidst a mystical little jungle.

Believe me when I tell you that I cannot express how quickly paradise changed, because someone, for some reason, had placed a version of what felt to be the devil himself in this paradise. Back to an earlier chapter reference 'but why!' 'Why!!!??? Why this!'. This was supposed to be my happy place, I decided this would be my happy place...WTAF!? (I was tired, and overly emotional and this was one of those moments where the inner victim took over!)

Now, the aggravating factors in this instance happened to be insects as well as a person. There were more wasps here than I had encountered for a long time, and by the time they had retired for the day, out came the mosquitoes, and they were everywhere! This, you would think, was enough for one place right, but, oh no, there was more...

So it turns out I had also taken up a volunteer placement with a person whom I found to be incredibly challenging. This person, as you may or may not know - did as people tend to do, and acted as a mirror for many of the things that, up until this point, I hadn't wanted or perhaps needed to look at. And then, here in paradise, just like that - all my buttons were being pressed! And they were the big buttons too, you know, the ones that tap into the painful core stories like 'I'm not enough' & 'am I going to go mad' and this is how, within less than 7 days paradise can become hellish! I laugh to myself as I write this now by the way, I am out the other side now so I can of course see the growth and the funny side, but at the time I was not laughing I assure you!

Now, I have developed many resources over the past several years to be equipped to deal with this, but having been travelling for several months by this point and having had some pretty big challenges during that time, my nervous system capacity was getting fairly low. Nevertheless, through some conversations with friends and other resources, I was able to see that this person had traits that were creating an incredibly unhealthy relating space. I did, for this reason decide to leave. Here's the important part though, since leaving and having taken some time to reflect, I understand that there were also hidden aspects of my internal world that made this dynamic so more difficult than it may have been for another person.

This really is the key point here, it is these hidden aspects that dictate whether or not our external feels more like heaven or hell. If life is continuously feeling like a living hell, it doesn't mean that we are broken, or that we need to be fixed, nor does it mean that life is terrible and not worth it, although at times it can feel that way. What it may mean though, is that there are hidden parts of ourselves that are being stirred up by these external situations, acting as mirrors and this means that there is an opportunity here for us for introspection, in order to access and operate from a higher version of self. Know that I believe I made exactly the right decision leaving; the behaviour was not healthy and removing myself from the situation was important and it feels important to point out here that I am not suggesting that we should be enduring poor behaviour in anyway.

Also see, it would have been all to easy to blame the external ... and know that on this occasion - that exactly what I did! At the time I was overwhelmed, lacking nervous system capacity and a safe space to process it and I needed to get on to my next place so I did NOT do the introspection. I bet you weren't expecting that were you now!

If I had, what I could have learnt, from a place of feeling more safe and settled and then asking the question 'what parts of myself may I not be seeing clearly yet', is that there were some parts needing to be seen and heard that were causing additional stress and anxiety during this time. Instead on this occasion, I just prayed that my next placement would be different and sometimes, this is what we do and know that this is okay too.

Here is the best part ... because I decided not to do this introspection here, life does what life does best ... and of course, it lined up for me another learning experience immediately after. (You couldn't write it could you!? and you will also never know how tempting it was to pretend that I figured it all out here, but we are keeping it real so the truth is - the lesson came in a later chapter!) Thank you life!

This was the start of the deep embodied understanding; that if we have the desire for life to feel more peaceful, then it is our responsibility to have the curiosity to compassionately explore and integrate these parts that are at odds with peace when life presents the opportunity to do so. Knowing what I know now, I wholeheartedly believe that this is a way in which we cultivate paradise internally, and, if the lens through which we are looking is one of relative peace, we will be met with peace.

As above so below as they say...

Sending you the STRENGTH to face these challenges as they arise.

So much LOVE,

Sam